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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25616986">awake</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ji_an_yi/pseuds/ji_an_yi'>ji_an_yi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Dark, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Other, Psychological Horror</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:28:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,676</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25616986</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ji_an_yi/pseuds/ji_an_yi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>jeno wakes up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, gasping for breath. he looks down at his feet, waiting for something to grab them. when nothing does, he relaxes.</p><p>he’s actually awake this time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>awake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>just a psychological horror fic. it could be a little confusing, but pls read! the italicised parts are the voice in jeno’s head. the italicised with quotations are people talking over the phone :3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>it’s another normal day for lee jeno. he wakes up with a pounding headache that no amount of advil can cure. and like always, he takes six at once with his morning coffee. he eats breakfast, which is just a bowl of lucky charms, and takes a cold shower to shock himself awake.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>why do you even bother getting out of bed?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>he dresses himself in a pair of worn jeans and his burger king shirt, because he works at fucking burger king.</p><p> </p><p><em>you should quit your job</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“shut up.” jeno tells the voice in his head.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>just call off again, so what if they fire you.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“i told you to shut up!”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>you’re a poor excuse for a human being.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jeno slides his feet into his beat up shoes. he only wears old shoes to work because of the grease. but it’s not that it matters since these are his only pair of shoes to begin with.</p><p> </p><p>he grabs his phone and keys, not bothering to grab his wallet because he has no money anyway.</p><p> </p><p>jeno stands at the bus stop. there’s a lady and her two kids standing beside him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>her kids are annoying. scream at them, maybe it’ll shut them up.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jeno holds back the urge to do what the voice is telling him to do. he really hates that voice. it sounds just like his own.</p><p> </p><p>the bus arrives at the same time it does every day, 7:30 AM. jeno lets the lady go first. he’s about to hand the bus driver his pass, but realises it’s in his wallet.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>your wallet is at home, you moron.</em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>jeno sighs and gets off the bus.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>call off work.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“i am.”</p><p> </p><p>jeno takes his phone out of his pocket and calls burger king.</p><p> </p><p>“hey, it’s jeno. i’m not coming in today.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“what’s your excuse this time?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>tell her you have the flu.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“i’m sick.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i told you to say you have the flu.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“okay. i’ll let the manager know.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>his coworker hangs up before jeno could say goodbye.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>kill yourself.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jeno walks home feeling like a total loser.</p><p> </p><p>when he gets home, he lays in bed, naked, and tries to go back to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>you’re a failure.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“i know.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>just kill yourself already.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“later, i’m trying to sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>fucking scumbag.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jeno scoffs at the voice. “you’re gonna have to do better with your insults if you want me to die.”</p><p> </p><p>the voice shuts up for now, and jeno is thankful that he can rest quietly.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>jeno has crazy dreams, like always.</p><p> </p><p>they all start off the same. jeno is in his bed, sleeping, but something wakes him up. there’s a hand that grabs his ankle and drags him under the bed.</p><p> </p><p>jeno is in complete darkness, no speck of light to be seen. the hand is still around his ankle, pulling him deeper and deeper into the cavern. more hands find their way onto his body, ripping his limbs off, then they eat him alive.</p><p> </p><p>he wakes up again, still in his bed. a hand grabs his ankle and drags him under it. he doesn’t go into the cavern, but stays on the platform before it, in complete darkness. it’s silent, the only thing he can hear is his rapid heart beats.</p><p> </p><p>something slithers up his body, a snake, he thinks. it wraps around his neck and squeezes. jeno chokes and sputters for air. his lungs burn with the need to breathe. then suddenly, the snake is gone. he can breathe again.</p><p> </p><p>but it’s not air he’s breathing in, it’s water. very thick water. it fills his body like a vase, all the way from his toes to the tips of his ears. he knows it’s not water, though.</p><p> </p><p>jeno opens his eyes and sees red. he’s swimming in an ocean of blood. there are sharks circling him, biting off chunks of flesh, eating him alive.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>jeno wakes up in a pool of sweat. he glances down to his feet, waiting for something to grab them. when nothing does, he relaxes. he’s actually awake this time.</p><p> </p><p>his head throbs, so he takes six advils.</p><p> </p><p>he gets a phone call from donghyuck, but he doesn’t answer it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>kill yourself.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“fuck off.”</p><p> </p><p>he texts donghyuck instead.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(jeno) what do you want?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(donghyuck) wanna get coffee with me and jaem?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(jeno) sure</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jeno tosses his phone on the mattress and rubs his face.</p><p> </p><p>“what a fucked up dream.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>donghyuck and jaemin aren’t your friends. they hate you.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“tell me something new.”</p><p> </p><p>jeno gets dresses in the same old jeans and a plain black t-shirt. he waits on the couch in the living room for the two boys to pick him up.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>you’re a burden to them. they waste so much money on gas just so your lazy ass doesn’t have to walk.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“that’s not true and you know it. it’s their decision to pick me up.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>kill yourself already.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jeno bickers with the voice, he’s not gonna let it interfere with his friendships.</p><p> </p><p>there’s a honk outside.</p><p> </p><p>jeno is thankful that donghyuck is here.</p><p> </p><p>“hey, jen!” donghyuck yells from the car window.</p><p> </p><p>jeno waves back, not trusting himself to speak. sometimes he says things he doesn’t mean, and it’s because of that goddamn voice.</p><p> </p><p>the trip to starbucks isn’t long, about a two minute drive from jeno’s house.</p><p> </p><p>they get in and order their normal drinks.</p><p> </p><p>jeno gets an iced caffè latte, jaemin gets an espresso, and donghyuck gets an iced caramel macchiato.</p><p> </p><p>“so, uh,” donghyuck starts. “how’ve you been?”</p><p> </p><p>“okay, i guess.” jeno answers.</p><p> </p><p>“your mental health.” jaemin says. “has it gotten any better?”</p><p> </p><p>“yeah, actually.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>liar.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“still hearing voices?” donghyuck asks quietly.</p><p> </p><p>it’s a sensitive topic for jeno, both donghyuck and jaemin know that. but they always ask about it to make sure jeno’s doing okay.</p><p> </p><p>“not really.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>liar.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jaemin furrows his eyebrows. “are you sure?”</p><p> </p><p>“yeah, don’t worry.” jeno flashes them a weak smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>why don’t you tell them the truth? they already know you’re a lying piece of shit.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“jen.” donghyuck says, reaching his hand across the table to place it on top of jeno’s. “you can tell us if something’s bothering you.”</p><p> </p><p>“i’m fine, really.”</p><p> </p><p>the two boys don’t seem convinced at all.</p><p> </p><p>“we don’t wanna pry, but please tell us what’s been going on. it’s obvious that you’re not okay.” jaemin says.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>looks like they saw through your façade. go home and kill yourself now.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“don’t worry.” jeno says, voice cracking. “i’m okay, really.”</p><p> </p><p>“then why are you crying?” donghyuck asks.</p><p> </p><p>crying? oh, jeno didn’t even notice.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>you’re crying over this? you’re such a loser, jeno.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“it’s just—“ jeno pauses to wipe the tears on his cheeks. “it’s been hard.”</p><p> </p><p>donghyuck squeezes his hand. “i know.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>they don’t know. how could someone know what you’re going through? they’re only pretending to sympathise. they don’t care about you.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“e-everyday, it’s a hassle to even g-get out of b-bed.” jeno sighs. “it’s so hard. i hate living like this.”</p><p> </p><p>jeno throws away his “i’m fine” front and breaks down crying.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>you’re making a scene. shut up and deal with this. it’s your fault you’re like this.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“jen, i know we don’t fully understand what you’re going through, but if you ever need someone to talk to, come to us.” jaemin says. “we’ll listen to everything you say.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>they’re lying. they don’t care about you.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“i know that, but it’s just—i dunno. th-the voices always tell me terrible things.”</p><p> </p><p>donghyuck hands him a napkin to blow his nose. “have you been taking your medications?”</p><p> </p><p>“y-yes.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>lair lair, pants on fire.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“okay, that’s good. it’s a new med, so give it a few months.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>why don’t you tell them that you haven’t been taking your meds for the past six months?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“we know it’s hard on you right now, but things will get better, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“okay.” jeno sniffles.</p><p> </p><p>“and remember, we’re only a text message away. if you want us to come over, just ask. we’ll drop whatever we’re doing and come to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“thanks, guys. it means a lot to me.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>you’re a fucking loser, jeno. just kill yourself.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“shut up.” jeno mumbles.</p><p> </p><p>donghyuck and jaemin smile at him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>jeno wakes up from a crazy dream, sweating and heart pounding. something grabs his ankle and drags him under the bed. there are hands all over his body, ripping him apart.</p><p> </p><p>he wakes up again, and something grabs his ankle, dragging him under the bed. he doesn’t go into the cavern, only to the platform before it. there’s a snake wrapped around his neck, squeezing. he gasps for air.</p><p> </p><p>suddenly, he can breathe again. but it’s not air in his lungs, it’s water. he opens his eyes and finds himself in an ocean of blood. sharks circle him and eat him alive.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>jeno wakes up with a pounding headache. he looks at his alarm clock, 3:45 AM. he glances down at his feet, waiting for something to grab them. when nothing does, he relaxes. he’s actually awake this time.</p><p> </p><p>he picks up his phone and goes to text donghyuck.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(jeno) are you awake?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>his phone buzzes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(donghyuck) yeah, what’s up?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jeno sighs. thank god he has his friends.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>they’re not your friends. it’s all in your head.</em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>“shut up.” jeno mumbles.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>they don’t even exist, jeno.</em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>“i said shut up!”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>kill yourself.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“please leave me alone.”</p><p> </p><p>jeno cries himself to sleep.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>jeno wakes up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, gasping for breathe. he looks down at his feet, waiting for something to grab them. he relaxes when nothing does.</p><p> </p><p>he picks up his phone to text donghyuck, clicking on his contact.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(jeno) are you awake?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>his phone buzzes with the notification.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(jeno) are you awake?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jeno smiles to himself and reaches for the pocket knife on his night stand.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i told you everything is just in your head. just kill yourself already.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“shut up. i know.”</p><p> </p><p>jeno holds the blade to his left wrist and slices.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>see? everything will be so much better once you’re dead.</em>
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